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2/27/2004


Moving house and stairs dont mix well. 

Currently listening to: 'Toxic' - Britney Spears

Last time I moved house I promised myself I wouldn't do it again due to the fact I almost dropped my wardrobe down the stairs, and was on the verge of breaking my back trying to save it. But here I am again for the 4th time in 3 years, moving house. This time I was smart - I hired removalists to do it.

But silly me, in an attempt to scrimp pennies I thought I would try and move as much of my stuff in my car, and let the removalists just move the big heavy stuff. I almost broke my back again trying to carry all my stuff down the stairs - again. It took me 5 hours driving back and forth trying and climbing stairs that by the end of it, I collapsed on the floor totally exausted. The removalists still charged me an arm and a leg anyways! I vow never again to live in a upstair apartment where I have to climb stairs to get to it again.

When the removalists came they couldnt fit my ensemble base of my bed up the stairs in my new house (the stairs have a really bad design!) so I had to sleep on the FLOOR and spend money (that I dont have) to buy a bed frame that I could take apart to fit up those bloody stairs. The stairs in themselves are freaky. They are planks of jarrah wood welded to a frame that curve up to the second floor. You can see the ground floor though the stairs and the first few nights I climbed down them I had to sit on my ass and shimmy down because it was freaking me out so much, and since you can see the bottom floor through the wood planks/steps I kept having visuals of the wood snapping in half under my weight and me plummeting through the stairs to the floor below! It sounds really morbid, but some steps are really creaky and my imagination reeks havoc at the best of times. I am just being silly, the stairs are really strong (so Luke says) nevermind the creakyness - I'll get used to it eventually.

So here I am all settled in. Its good to have a bigger place now, I think the cats are alot happier too. Now, I'll just have to get Luke to get rid of that wasps nest in my back courtyard...




2/19/2004


The Prodigal Daughter is I. 

If I was to describe the way I found God again, I would have to say that I was the Prodigal...er, Daughter. For those of you who don't know the parable of the Prodigal Son in the book of Luke, here is a cute flash animation of the story.

This prodigal son is me. I once was lost. I was a born again christian at age 11, as I grew older I became lost in life itself, lost in the daily grind of school, friends, and social activitys, so lost infact I almost felt I didn't need God at all. No, I thought, I was doing fine by myself. I never liked to drink, smoke or take drugs, and I was never promiscuous. "No." I kept thinking "I am doing fine by myself. I don't need God." I had control of my life, and I didn't need him anymore. But something kept me holding on. God was always at the back of my mind, and whenever I did something I knew He wouldn't approve of I would just push Him to the back of my mind and do it anyways. I would continue to pray to Him, ask Him to forgive me then do it all again the next day. It was a vicious cycle. I just didn't - and wouldn't learn. And in a blink of an eye I had been lost for 6 years.

In those 6 years God continued to do some great things for me, even though I continued to be impartial with Him. I thought I could live in a grey area with God. I recently read a tesimonial from someone, who said that 'with God its black or white' youre either with Him or youre not. Its only hit me now, how true that is. If you are going to follow Him you should follow Him 100%, none of this picking and chosing what suited me and what didn't, which was how I've been living my life for a long time.

Unfortunately I can't say to you that when I realized my wrongs I broke down and cried when I asked God to forgive me or that people came together laid hands and prayed for me. No, God tends to like to work subtley with me for some reason. This time God worked in a weird and wonderful way, He brought me a stranger who used the fact that we had the same last name to contact me. It was this stranger God used to really opened up my eyes about what its really about to be a christian. This stranger who I now consider a friend, showed me by his actions what it meant to really love God. I can't quite place my finger on the exact turning point, but I do know it was a gradual thing. A gradual thing where I started questioning myself and questioning my new friend. He made me see why I chose God in the first place, and seeing his love for God made me realize that thats the sort of relationship I wanted with God as well. And from that moment of realization, it just wasn't good enough for me to just live in grey areas with God, I wanted to live in black in white again. At that moment God found me again.

God has continued to bless me in many ways, I am so thankful. Just like the father from the parable, Hes really opened His arms to me and I have come into my own. Everyday is still a stuggle for me, as I continue to be a babe in Christ, to break away from the old things of my life but I know I can do anything through Him. Gone are the days of doing right by me, nowadays I sought to do right by Him.

Yes, the prodigal daughter has truely returned home.

"For this, my son, was dead, and is alive again; he was lost and is found" - Luke 15:24.




2/16/2004


Valentines Day. 

Currently listening to: 'Just like honey' - The Jesus and Mary Chain.

Well Valentines day has come and gone again, and to be honest, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I have never really been that big on valentines, but what I want to know is, why we only have one day a year to show the ones we love how we feel? Shouldn't we be showing love 365 days a year?

I guess thats why people are buy expensive gifts for each other. As if buying that diamond ring for her or him (jewellery shops make a FORTUNE on valentines day!) will make up for the other 364 days you never showed your love that year. Yes, valentines day is a time for buying peoples love.

Fortunately for Luke and I its never really been much of an issue. Some years we just give each other a card or if we are really broke its a kiss on the cheek and a "Happy Valentines Day!" other years if we are feeling extravagant we will spend $10 and buy something small. You know just something to show some sort of appreciation. When we first started out though, valentines day was a big thing (as it usually is with all budding relationships). I think the first Valentines day Luke brought me a diamond ring - all I could think was "WOW. Is it real?!" See, I've never owned REAL jewellery before, and so I was really amazed. I cant remember what I got him but I'm pretty sure it wasn't cheap. So here we were, buying each others love just like everybody else. Trying to win each others affections at the sound of a high price tag. Luckily we got over it pretty fast.

I think the more you love someone, the less you feel you have to show it in materialistic things. Also when you have been with someone for such a long time, Valentines day is nothing. You know they love and appreciate you by their actions, you dont need a special day to show it. It gets shown everyday. And if you have been togeather for a long while and you still need that reassurance that they love you, well honestly, maybe its time to get out. Cause either hes not showing it, or you have dependancy issues.

Luke suprised me this valentines. I wasn't expecting anything this year, I had made him a card out of scrap paper at work coloured with highlighter pens the night before (It was a good effort!) which he loved and I thought we would end it at that, but he came home from work and a handed me a box of KFC chicken. It was the cutest thing I ever saw, he even drew a love heart around Colonel Sanders head. As he handed me the box to my eagerly awaiting hands he said: "I was going to get you a rose, but I thought you would appreciate this better." Now this is a man who knows the way to my heart.




2/15/2004


I 'Shoes' You. 

Currently listening to: 'Good Luck' - Basement Jaxx

Everyone has their own vices. For some its gambling, others its drugs and alcohol. For me its SHOES. Yes I am obessesed with shoes. Woe is me.

I can't explain it, but there is something about wearing a great pair of shoes that makes endorphines in my brain start partying like its nineteen ninety..er, 2004. You can never have too many shoes, in every colour if you must. High heel, kitten heel or no heel, pointed, open or round toed there is so many styles out there, put me in a shoe store with a credit card and I'm like a child at a candy store.

At the moment I am loving those flat ballerina styled shoes, they are so cute. Everytime I wear them I feel like doing pirouettes down the street. I would love to get a pair of proper ballet pointe shoes, not that I could ever dance 'en pointe' in them, but I think they look so beautiful. You know, Just something I could bring out and wear when I feel like pretending to be Clara from the Nutcracker or something. Another type of shoe I love are those 80's pointy toed shoes, especially the ones where the toe is so pointy you'ld think you could take an eye out with them if you weren't careful. Ahh yes, do I love shoes.

Its not helping at the moment that I am broke, so i've been trying to stay at least 10 meters away from any sign of shoe shops... in case I might do something silly, like spent this weeks rent money on them. I am slowly trying to wean myself off, maybe attend an SSA (Shoe Shoppers Anonymous) meeting or two. But for those of you who don't know what to get me for my birthday: I wear a size 7.




2/12/2004


Leaping into the Unknown. 

Currently listening to: 'Anna Begins' - Counting Crows.

Its never really occurred to me what a enormous leap it was for me move to Australia. To a place I did not know my way around, or know anyone except for Luke, with no place to permanently live and nothing more than $300 in my pocket till I found a job - if I found a job - thats a big risk to take for an 18 year old who didnt even graduate from high school. To leave everything that was familar to me and leap into the unknown; when I think about it now I can't even believe I did it.

At some point I've had to be independant and grow up - fast. This was largely contributed by my father who made me get a job at 15 and pay my own way through high school. I always envied the other kids at school who could just freely ask their parent for things, and then receive it: "Mom I need $20 for the movies." or "Dad I need $50 for clothes". For me its always been: "if you want something, you pay for it." and this applied to most of my school needs as well. The only things my father ever really provided for me is a roof over my head, and one meal a day. Things have never been easy, but I coped and well, I guess you just get over it. Am I bitter about it? I was. But now I know I wouldn't of been able to accomplish as much as I have if I hadn't been made to stand on my own two feet so early on. Its as the saying goes: "What ever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."

I left high school halfway through the last year of graduation mainly because school was boring for me and I wasn't even trying. I decided that I would work fulltime and try and save up enough money to move to Australia to be with Luke. So thats what I did: I got a job and left school.

I guess thats when my true journey of independance began. I left home at 17. I moved in with a friend and his family, paid board and worked at saving money towards my plane ticket to Australia. I can't remeber the exactly what I was thinking at the time, all I knew is that I had to leave with utmost urgency - the sooner the better. When I made enough money I went out and brought that one way ticket, packed up and left - I've never looked back.

Nowadays not much has changed. I still have to work to support myself, but after 2 years of being here I was able to be naturalised and get a government loan for university. Now I have my own place, own my own car, and have two adorable furbabies who are like children to me. I think about it now and I can't believe I've managed it this far. I dont know where it came from or how I did it, all I know is that I've made that step into the unknown and I've come out on top. Now I don't think I'll ever be truely afraid to take a chance like that again.

"I can do anything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13




2/11/2004


Before I say "I do." 

Currently listening to: 'Its my life" - No Doubt.

If you were to ask me to marry you now, sorry but the answer would have to be 'No'. Not because I can not love or commit but because I am not ready to make that commitment.

See, marriage to me, is the ultimate expression of love. In marriage you are pledging your life to each other and therefore you become a part of each other - two people becoming bonded as one. Forever. Yes, Forever. Am I sounding hoplessly romantic? You better believe it.

In the past year or so I've been to a few wedding engagements, and like myself the people getting engaged are in their early twentys. I am extremely happy for each of them that they have found 'The One' and choose to consummate their relationships in marriage at such a tender age. But at these events I find myself asking myself if this would be the life I would like to lead: straight out of university, married at 23, children at 24. Uhm, no I dont think so.

To be married to someone you have to be sure of who you are as a person. To be in a union where you and your husband ultimately become a part of each other you have to know youself. The way I see it is like this: 'if I am not sure about who I am, how will my husband know who I am?' or 'how can I look after a marriage if I can't even look after myself?'. Life experiance moulds you into who you are, by giving myself ample time to mature unbiasedly I am doing my future husband a favor by being a more well rounded person. If you know who you are at 19, 20 or 21 then kudos to you, as I surely didn't and even now I am not sure.

I am still learning new things about myself everyday. I am still learning a career for myself, and I am still learning from my life mistakes. I want to be able to have time to myself to be an individual, and to discover my own personal relationship with God.

I know by doing this some of you out there maybe thinking that I maybe missing opportunitys, and yes if he will not wait for me then maybe you are right, maybe I'll never even end up getting married and become one of those crazy ladies with a house full of cats. Life never adheres to the time line you set it, but this is something I feel I have to experiance before I make that ultimate commitment to anyone and say 'I do".

I've never been afraid of being alone, and though I maybe physically alone, I know I will never really be alone.





2/09/2004


My private church service. 

Currently listening to: Jesus speak to my heart.

My relationship with Jesus has always been unconventional. The only time I ever went to church was when I was 12 and that was to an adventist church for 6 months. After that my exposure to God came mostly from school and after school fellowships. After I left Hong Kong my relationship with God always been a personal thing. Something I never really felt I could share with my other secular friends without them judging me, so my worship continued within the privacy of my own room.

Nowadays I still continue my relationship with God in private. I still dont attend church and I dont have any christian friends here with me, but I never have felt any closer to God than I do now. I see Him in everything. I see Him in the world around me, and in nature. Whenever I feel I need to be close to him all I have to do is look up into the sky and I get a sense of awe and overwhelming. Its an amazing feeling - just sensing His great power and knowing he is there, its very comforting. With Him by my side I fear nothing, the future has no anxietys for me knowing that I've laid my life down into his hands for him to do as He wills. Everything God does is good and I know He won't give me anything He knows I could not handle.

I have Jesus in my heart. I can feel him there. I don't need to be in church to feel Him. He is everywhere.

'Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?' - 1 Corinthians 3:16

P.S. I think I know my gift.




2/08/2004


Me no speak english. 

Currently listening to: 'Hotel California' - The Eagles.

Yes, I am Chinese. Does that mean I am suposed to fit into the sterotype?

I went clubbing for a friends 24th birthday. I haven't been to a club in a long time, and while I was there I found myself being 'obliged' to talk to a stranger. Now those of you who know me know that I dont really take well to talking to complete strangers - especially in a club situation. But here I was talking to some strange guy after he approached me. What got me is that because I am asian he assumed I was an international student. He asked me what my name was, and when I said "Anna." he went on to comment on how 'western' my name is, as if he expected me to say my name is 'Mai-Ling'. He then proceeded to ask me if I liked 'australian' music. Silly me, I thought by australian he meant Jimmy Barnes or John Farnham - so I said "No." He goes "Oh you like canto pop?". I reply: "Err, no I'm into alternative and rock." He just stared at me trying to contain his surprise. He then, in an attempt to relate to my asian background went on to tell me how much he enjoyed karate. I smiled and acted interested. He picked a tough cookie.

The next night at a pub, one of my few asian girl friends and I were chatting at the bar when the bar maid came up to us and asked us what we were drinking as 'someone' across from the bar wanted to buy us a drink. We were drinking water - so we declined. We looked across the bar to see who it was and it was a guy who was at least 40 years old. We quickly shuffled away out of sight.

Feeling kind of dirty and gross, it got us talking. Why did a 40 year old man want to buy us drinks? One thing we discussed is the idea that alot of older men think that because we are 'asian' in Australia we must be in search of a green card. So therefore, white australian man + asian chick wanting a ticket to stay in the country seems like a perfect match. I guess he thought he would start this match made in heaven with a drink. Either that or he thought we were thai prostitutes.

Its not always like that when I go out, but when people are culturally ignorant it really gets to me. A pet peeve, call it what you want - its annoying. And considering 70% of Australias are mostly second to fourth generation you'ld think people would be a bit more considerate.

I think the next time someone I dont know starts talking to me about karate out of left field because I look asian I am going to be tempted to tell them I am aboriginal.




2/04/2004


Its like looking at yourself through a cracked mirror. 

Currently listening to: The Darkness.

Do you know how hard it is to be a woman in todays world? With every single image and social attitude projected at us from every possible media outlet its hard not too feel a bit inadequate sometimes. Maybe thats why everytime I see that show 'Extreme Makeover' I feel like having plastic surgery. Heck, theres alot I could fix.

In todays world it seems that if youre not thin and beautiful youre noone. If your not wearing the 'right' clothes, behaving the 'right' way, or wear the 'right' colour lipstick they tell you no man could ever love you. How sad is that? As if theres not other more important things in this world we should be worrying about other than these superficial things like clothes, shoes, or whether my butt looks too big in these pants. But the unfortunate truth is, you do get judged by how you look. Sometimes I feel so bombarded with these images and ideals I feel sick. No I dont mean bulimia, I mean physically sick to my gut.

I admit I get swept away sometimes. I see these beautiful girls (and there are soo many of them) all I can think is how I wished I look like them. You know, like a supermodel or something - nothing too over the top. And then you sorta get sucked into that whole idea, that if you wore those stilleto heels you could be as tall as them, and if you had fashionable clothes then maybe - just maybe, you could be beautiful too.

Its not often I feel like that. Only sometimes in my moments of self doubt I'll look in the mirror and think of things I can change. You know, the standard boob job, nose job and liposuction... Who doesn't?? No honestly, most of the time I am happy with who I am. I am not a high maintenance type of girl, give me a pair of sweat pants anyday. Most days I dont even brush my hair. And I still smile with my crooked tooth.

But what I guess I am trying to say is: its hard to be a woman, with all these images of beautiful people all they seem to do is press the point of how not unadequate you are. It makes me want to cut my hair real short, to rebel from these sterotypes. If I wasn't trying to compete with my friend who could grow their hair longer, I would.




2/03/2004


Whats my gift? 

Currently listening to: 'Blaze of glory' - Bon Jovi

As a christian I believe we have been given spiritual gifts in order to serve others, and administer God's grace. For some its speaking in tongues, others its teaching, or encouraging. I am still struggling to figure out what my gift is. Maybe its there and I just haven't noticed it, but either way I have yet to recognise it.

When I was 14 I wished I could speak in tongues. I wanted it SO bad I would pray to God every night asking for this amazing gift. I never received it. They say God anwers in 3 ways: "Yes", "Yes - but not now", and "No, I have something better in store for you". I guess He has something better planned for me, but I am still wondering: WHAT??

This will be something I will have to pray about. "Jesus, what is my gift??".

"All these are the work of the one and same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines." 1 Corinthians 12:11




2/02/2004


Climbing the Blog Ladder. 

Currently listening to: 'Dont dream, its over' - Crowded House.

I am a fairly recent member on The Rice Bowl Journals, an online asian journaling community. I've recently find myself spending alot of time on the internet just 'browsing' other peoples journals, marvelling at their creative designs for their sites, and wondering why I never thought of it first.

See, my life plan is to be a webpage designer as a backup plan (as in just for extra cash type thing). But now it seems to me that maybe I just don't have that 'technical know how' to create a decent web page. I have to admit: its also a part of multimedia that has just never captured me.

Another interesting thing i've noticed from The Rice Bowl Journals is I have managed to go from the low 3000's to now the low 200's after just 5 votes. Hmm very strange.





Ethinic Confusion. 

Currently listening to: 'Hey ya' - Outkast.

I am 100% CHINESE. If I got a penny everytime someone asked me if I was thai/malaysian/filipeno/burmese I would be a very rich girl by now. Not that I am offended or anything like that, but its just very strange, and.... well okay.... a BIT annoying. I've had total strangers (mainly gwailos - if thats any indication of their integrity) approach me and ask me if I am thai. "No." I'll say and quickly shuffle away.

Its an honest mistake really, I can't help it I am naturally brown. I was born like this. The strange thing is though, I am the only one in my family who has a dark complexion. Sounds a bit dodgy? I would think so too, if it wasnt for the fact I look like a female version of my father.

Many people find it hard to tell one asian face from another. I generally thought I was a pretty good judge of asian ethnicity - that was till I took this test. I got 6 out of 18. Bah! Who am I to judge?

When I lived in HK the colour of my skin bothered me. Thats because there, its more socially acceptable to be of a lighter skin colour. In fact, the whiter the better. If you go to the supermarkets there in the toiletries aisle you'll find a variety of moisturers claiming to whiten your skin - its THAT common. At family gatherings the subject of my skin colour would come up: "Oooohhhh...youre so black, you shouldnt go out in the sun so much, Aiyah..." and my grandma would recommend me some creams I could use to 'bleach' my skin to a more acceptable whiter colour.

I call it 'The Hong Kong Micheal Jackson Syndrome'. I can't think of another city so obssessed with being 'white' to the extent that on sunny days an umbrella should be carried to block out those evil sun rays. Its a chinese thing I think, a tradition carried on from back in the day where the royalty were 'white' as they sat around all day in their mansions and the labourers were brown as they worked in the fields. As if the whiter you were would ultimately determine how much better you were than others.

Here in Australia its a different story. On the sunny west coast, I always get compliments about how nice my 'tan' is. In this part of the world where surfing, sunbaking and playing one day cricket is commended, it seems everyone is working on their tan. Everyone that is; except me. My friends are jealous. They pay to go to the solarium. I dont even have to go outside to get a tan, its like I have some inbuilt tanning mechanism and even in winter I look like I've been hanging out in 40c degree weather.

I have a friend who goes to the beach almost everyday to work on her tan - they even have competitions on who can be the blackest. I tell her that by the time shes 30 shes gonna look like the 'Crypt Keeper' - its true but hey, we all gotta work on our tans...in Australia at least.




2/01/2004


Its A-OK to be me. 

I am a self confessed introvert. Introvert-ism is a discovery I made recently after questioning myself why many times why it was so hard for me to find much enthusiam socially when everyone else made it look so simple. I guess in a way I wished I could be more comfortably outgoing.

My discovery came about as I participated in multiple personality tests and found that most of them came back with the same result: tendacy towards introvertism. And everytime I got that result I thought "No, thats not me...I'm happy and outgoing!" But eventually it dawned on me after I began to further investigate this idea of 'introvertism' - I fit the profile almost perfectly. But what does that all mean?

Many people frequently mistaken introvertism for shyness. To make it clear:

introvert - 1) a person whose interest is directed primarily toward the self. 2) one who is sober, reserved, and withdrawn.

shy - 1) to draw back, as from doubt or caution. 2) easily frightened or startled; timorous. 3) timid; coy.


Hmm, okay I dont consider myself a shy person.

Heres a good comparison of Introvert Vs. Extrovert:

Introverts:
Enjoy time alone <-----Yes I do require alot of 'ME' time...
Consider only deep relationships as friends <-------Well I consider deep relationships as REAL friends.
Feel drained after outside activities, even if they were fun <--------Would that explain why I cant go out 2 nights in a row?
Good listener <------Hmmm Definately
Appear calm and self-contained <-------- When in distress I try to look semi happy but just end up looking expressionless.
Think then speak or act <-------Errr, ....not sure about this one, I can talk alot of poo some times...

Extroverts:
Like to be in the thick of things <--------Ah, not particularly.
Relish variety <--------I have to say I dont mind a bit of variety.
Know lots of people, considers lots of people friends <------------No.
Enjoy chit-chatting, even to strangers <----------I rarely speak to strangers, I try to avoid it.
Feel stoked after activity <------'Stroked'??
Speak or act then think OR think while speaking <--------I think I've done this more than I would like to.

heres another list of attributes of an introvert I feel I can relate with:

-Time spent alone is essential. ------ Yep!
-Too much time with people, particularly strangers, is often draining. ------- Very much so. I advoid speaking to strangers if possible!
-Affirmation, confirmation, or verification are gotten from our inner experience, from what goes on inside us. ------- Hmm..I think so.
-Time alone is needed to figure things out, to get in touch with our introspective strength. --------- Definately.
-Meeting new people is a challenge; we may avoid or postpone doing so. ------------- Not sure about this one. I think it can be an exciting challange if its in the right situation.
-Finding the give-and-take of verbal interaction somewhat difficult to keep up with, has trouble "thinking on your feet". -------- Oh yes.
-At meetings, may hold back, then have trouble getting into the discussion. ------- Yes I do. It can also be very frustrating.
-Likely to think afterwards of the thing to say--suffer from the "why didn't I say ... " syndrome! --------- Only too many times....
-Often has good writing skills and prefers presenting ideas in writing. ----------- This sounds silly but sometimes I write what I am going to say before a telephone conversation.
-Is not highly observant of the outer environment. --------- True..
-Is very aware of our inner reactions and tends to be introspective. ---------- Definately. I tend to judge things on how I FEEL about them
-Generally difficult to get to know. -------- I dont think I am the easiest person to get to know.
-Many layers of personality are not obvious --- can surprise people. --------- I dont think many people know who I really am. I surprise myself sometimes.


Okay the thing is: most of my life I've felt I've had to act a certain way to fit in. I envied the girls who where outgoing and charasmatic. They always seemed to have everything going for them and I always thought to myself: "Why can't I be more like them? Why is it so hard for me?". The truth is everytime I tried to be like 'them' I would feel stupid and fake...and it was oh-so-draining! How can they keep it up??

And now I realize why - Because I am not THEM, I am ME. I am the ME who needs time alone, I am the ME who is content with a handful of close friends, I am the ME who doesnt feel like I need to go out every weekend, and I am ME who doesnt speak with much eloquence. In a world where everyones an extrovert I felt like I had to be extroverted as well to fit in, but now I am beginning to believe its A-OK to be ME - An introvert.





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