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3/30/2004


What is love? 

Love is... attempts to make my cat like him even though its in vain.
Love is... getting up at 3am to get him a drink because he says hes thirsty.
Love is... Waiting patiently in the car in sweltering hot weather while saying i'm going to be a few minutes to buy a skirt, only to come out 30mins later.
Love is... Dissapointment that my mother STILL doesn't know who he is.
Love is... Being honest about how we really look in the morning.
Love is... Encouragement to be my own person.
Love is... Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
Love is... Giving tickles even when I can't be bothered.
Love is... Loving my cats as if they were his own.
Love is... Driving him almost everytime we go out because he wants to drink.
Love is... Accepting that there are going to be some things about him I will never be able to change.
Love is... Chasing me down the road with a broken toe.
Love is... Giving up a friend because I said so.
Love is... Realizing that that wasn't a very nice thing to ask of somebody.
Love is... Letting me have the good, cushy pillow.
Love is... Letting him hog the blanket whilst all I get is a corner.
Love is... Attempting to give me a step by step guide to solving my problems when all I want is some sympathy.
Love is... Trying to impress my dad.
Love is... Being supportive of him going to Korea for a year.
Love is... Learning to trust him that when he says he locked the door, the door IS locked.
Love is... Being okay with all my IOU's I give him for christmas and birthdays.
Love is... Trusting me with his ATM pin number.
Love is... Offering to teach me Java even though he knows I will ask the same question over and over again and frustrate the heck out of him.
Love is... Pretending to be as passionate about Pearl Jam as he is.
Love is... Letting me have my way no matter how unreasonable I am being.
Love is... Serenading me on the guitar with some crap song he just made up.

Love is... A bucket of KFC chicken with a heart drawn around Colonel Sanders head!




3/20/2004


Don't let rude people get you down. 

I'm afraid to admit but I think I am starting to hate work. Not just because its WORK, the working enviroment is great, the people are nice and the job itself is essentially easy - its just the customers that totally peeve me.

For those of you who don't know I work in a call centre where we act as an answering service for our clients. When the clients phones are busy or after hours their phone will get diverted to our call center and we will take a message for them and get the client to call them back. But thats the thing - the client doesn't always call back, which means the customer tends to call back and abuse us (the call center agents) about how they have been waiting ages for a return call. In which all I can say is: 'Sorry, do you want me to send another message through?".

Okay, I've done telemarketing before, where you try and sell things over the phone and that wasn't a pretty job. I can understand people hanging up on me, and being rude because they are shift workers and I had just woken them up. I totally hated that job. I would come home after a shift totally demoralised thinking " I am the scum of the earth!". Well, as they say - 'if you hear it enough times, you'll tend to believe it.'

You'ld think after working as a telemarketer I would of developed a thick skin, but I haven't. With my job now, I'm not trying to sell them anything I'm offering them a SERVICE - heck, they called me! So when we do our jobs we DO need your phone number so they can contact you, we DO need to confirm that number so we have it correct, but no. Do people honestly think I have a photographic memory and I am a spelling bee queen or something?, because they get ANNOYED ( yes ANNOYED) when I have to ask them if Cheryl is spelt with a C or a S, or if I ask them if they want to say what the message is in regards to. Most people either click their toungues at me and talk with a patronising tone, or they can't be bothered and hang up on me before I can even finish what I am saying. Yeah people are still rude, and I wish I could say its like water off a ducks back because its not.

It really bothers me when people are rude to me - forget over the phone - even in life, if people are rude to me I take it personally. The thing is though, me being so darn nice, I never say anything back. No witty retorts. No 'whatever' attitude. Just me trying to smile while I am boiling inside. And poor Luke, I go home and vent on him. Maybe its something I need to work on; get a thicker skin, stop being so darn sensitive to everything, and maybe I'll get a backbone along the way and stick up for myself.

If what I'm doing is 'turning the other cheek' to peoples anger towards me (as misdirected as it maybe) - I think my cheeks would be pretty red raw by now.





Finding Faith. 

I've found a church that I think I will start going to called The Victory Life Centre. I heard from a friend that it was pretty good and they even have a bible college in it. I feel like God is leading me in the right direction according to where he wants me. It was totally by accident I stumbled onto Victory Life, and its just round the corner from my house! Some of you know already how freaked out I am about attending a new church by myself, you know new people, new enviroment...a colleague from work has offered to come with me if I want her to, I'm still deciding if I should, since I dont really know her very well and I fear it might be awkward.

Another reason why I feel God is trying to urge me in the right direction is because though I am having a few concerns/ fears about going by myself, lately I've been reading alot about having Faith. Now I consider myself to have alot of faith in God in regards His will for me, I've lived on the verge of poverty (and on it) faithful that God will provide for me one way or another, and so far he hasn't let me down. But the fear of the unknown (strange enviroment, room full of strangers) seems to be hindering me from attending church - I know it sounds kinda silly, because its like: Just go! But I do really feel kinda funny about it.

Anyways I feel He wants me to trust Him and have faith that what He has in planned for me is nothing to be fearful of. I think this Sunday I'll just have to bite the bullet and go, if I can't find anyone to go with me I'll just go alone. I have Faith in God that everything will be okay.

'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.' - Hebrews 11:1




3/19/2004


Being photogenic and my lack of it. 

Don't you just wish you were naturally photogenic? I borrowed the digital camera from uni the other day to take some photos for some friends and I swear, I had to take almost 100 pics to find one of me that was semi decent. Its like I have only one angle where I can take photos from that will make me look okay, but all the rest I tend to look..well a bit munted to say the least. Just don't ask me to give you a wide mouth smile - theres something about smiling with crooked teeth that makes you look kinda crazed. Oh well, my teeth never really has bothered me THAT much, it gives my face character - even if it is the crazed sort.

I have a friend who 'models' and she looks great in every photo, even the candid ones - makes me wanna strangle her if she wasn't so darn nice! But me, I have to brace myself just to look in the mirror most mornings. My friend from uni has a whole mirror as a wall in her bedroom and when I'm there I dont even know where to look. Theres something disconcerting about seeing myself talk and go about daily chores in full view of a mirror, which I guess proberly explains why I am so camera shy.

Everytime I take a photo is such a cringe fest for me. If I am lucky, my face just looks a bit 'strained', most times I just look like a big bloated ball (round face genes..Grr). Last year I 'won' a sitting at Exclusive Photography for professional portraits. I say 'won' because I didn't really 'win' anything. Everyone who put their name in the 'draw' wins a free sitting - its the photos which cost you an arm and a leg to pay for! Anyway I was kinda excited about it because I thought " Wow, I'll get some decent photos of me!", so they did my make up and hair and off I went into the room to get the photos done. The photoshoot went OK I think, other than my refusal to give her a wide toothy grin. Luke came to pick me up and as I got into the car he just sorta stared at me. I said to him " Do you think I look nice?" you know, since I'd just had my makeup and hair done - I thought I was looking great! He said "No, you look like a hooker!" - I looked in the rearview mirror and I had to agree, he was kinda right. My makeup was about 2 inches thick, with this black raccoon eye thing happening. My hair was a big bouffant of curls - ..Interesting. I did look a bit hookerish. In the end I didn't buy the photos even after Exclusive Photography kept hounding me to come in and 'view' my hooker pics. They wanted to charge me $200 for ONE A4 photo, and by then I had lost heaps of weight anyways so I looked way different.

Well I've got the camera for the weekend and so I am going to take a few pics to post on here (if imagestation decides to work!) including my freaky stairs (Stacy you have to see how freaky these stairs are). If youre lucky I might post my photo on here - but don't hold your breath.




3/09/2004


Slogging it out. 

I've been so busy lately, I feel like I've haven't had a chance to sit down and catch my breath. After being on holidays for 3 months now I am slowly trying to get back into studying mode at Uni.

This semester I am doing some really hard and boring units, and many people in my degree (all 11 of us) are thinking about dropping a unit and only doing 3 this semester. Which means at the end of it they'll proberly be doing another 6 months at the end of the degree, and whilst that sounds like a good idea as it would be easier to keep your average up, I do want to graduate as soon as possible. Hey I'm not getting any younger... As I am going now I'll be about almost 24 when I graduate!

Whats so hard about this semester I hear you ask? Well this semester I am doing Foundations of software engineering, Database and systems design, Computer graphics programming and the only one that is fun is: 3D modelling. I don't come from a computer science background, so you can imagine how hard and boring this is going to be for me. Even the computer nerds this semester don't seem that friendly.

So I've decided I'm gonna keep doing my 4 units - I've done it before, I know I can do it again. As well as working, uni, and trying to fit some sort of social life in, it just means I'm gonna have to work pretty hard this semester.




3/08/2004


About Celibacy and Sex. 

Why is it that nowadays if you're not having sex you're considered weird?

A girlfriend and I were talking about men and sex when she asked me how my sex life was, my prompt reply was "what sex life?? Its non-existent." I then explained to her that since I've reconfirmed my faith I am celibate now. She was shocked to say the least, and she looked at me very strangely and said: "so you're not going to have sex till you're married?? That's like, 10 years or something without having sex!!?" Oh yes it would be a very long time indeed ...

"Erm, Can I ask you something? Uhm, no I won't, I don't want to offend you." "No ask me, its okay." and the next thing she said made me laugh out loud: "Have you ever had an orgasm??" She thought that because I could give up sex that I proberly never did it properly!! Well, I never said it was EASY, I have to admit I am really proud of Luke. I know so many guys who if they were put in the same situation as him they would have left at the moment anyone said "No sex." And you can't say I wasn't being fair because I did say to him if he wasn't happy with it we can end it, and as hard as that would be, I have to make prioritys - God comes before Luke.

But its pretty sad alot of guys are like that. Is it really that important? Well okay for some people it is, but it really shouldn't be. One of the prerequisites my friend has for finding a partner is sexual compatibilty. Shes told me so many funny stories where she taken guys home and they weren't... hmm how to put this, 'well apendaged' enough?

But hey, thats the way the world goes I'm afraid. Everyone is having sex, and with movies like '40 days and 40 nights' about the guy who has to restrain himself for '40 days and 40 night' to get a girl - it makes it seem weird, or 'unnatural' if you don't (have sex). Even I have been in those conversations where someone says: "(insert name) is 25 and hes/shes still a virgin!" Shock. Horror. Who bloody cares.

I think its about time we can chose not to have sex and not be weird!




3/04/2004


When good girls like bad boys. 

Why is it some girls like bad boys? You know, the type of guy you know that if you ever went out with them they would proberly treat you like crap. I have a few friends who are like this, and it totally eludes me why anyone would want to be with someone who acted like a donkey's bum. Bad boys seem to thrive on making you jealous, they love to give you that idea that you can 'have' him, but never REALLY have him. I myself, honestly am too lazy to be jealous, and if I ever felt that way I would think "Why don't I trust him?" and to even more blantanly honest: If i didn't feel I could trust a guy emotionally, I wouldn't even be with him in the first place.

For example, a friend of mine, shes the sweetest girl and she has never had a problem meeting guys (I want to know her secret) but if a guy is too nice to her, its a total turn off. I find it so hard to understand. Its like people who are in abusive relationships, do you enjoy being abused? I suppose its easier to say that looking from the outside in, but if any guy ever treated me badly and as much as I may think I 'love' them I would be out that door like no tomorow. And I don't even mean physically abusive.

A girl I know just broke up with her boyfriend, and for the last week up till the official break up he treated her like crap - as if it wasn't half obvious he wasn't interested anymore but she seemed to think there was still a 'chance'. Why couldn't he just tell her the moment he knew he didn't want to see her anymore? Yeah its hard to say that to someone but if you ever really did care for them it would save so much pain and suffering of wondering if they still did or not. And if they don't tell you, well I guess it makes you wonder if they ever cared at all?

I asked a friend the other day what it is about 'bad' boys she liked and this is what she said to me: "I enjoy the challange, you think can change them. Its exciting." Can you REALLY change them? Or in my case, can I really be BOTHERED to change them? And as for the 'exciting' bit I can think of many other ways to find excitiment - Changing someone can be a pain in the bum. Don't get me wrong, I am up for a challenge, just in these instances I would rather like to have it as easy as possible. I said to her: "I would take a guy who was not that great looking but nice over a hot guy that loves himself anyday." She kinda looked at me like I was a freak, but hey, its true.

When it comes to things such as relationships I think you need to expect the best for yourself and to me, someones heart is is more important than any Brad Pitt look alike. Trust me, I've been in those bad boy relationships, its a relationship where you don't say what you mean, and you don't mean what you say, oh yes, how I've been there.Its like learning a whole new language in itself just trying to read the signs and sublimial messages! I've had my heart trampled on once, and that was enough for me to learn, playing mind games is more trouble than its worth.

As for my strategy for dating, I like to call it: 'Tough Love'. Nothing short of my idea of 'perfect' is good enough for me. If a friend comes up to me complaining about how he never calls or how he always puts her down I say "Leave him! Its not worth it!". I see relationships in black and white. Not sure if you like me? Well come back when you know. If youre going to act like a sad ass to me, well good bye, because if you really love me you wouldnt treat me that way, if you want to play mind games with me - forget it, I can't be stuffed.

Don't fall for the rumors, good guys don't always finish last.




3/02/2004


Rocking out to David Bowie. 

Just got back from the David Bowie 'A Reality Tour' concert tonight and I have to say it was brilliant - well, for $150AUD a ticket it bloody well better be. Not being much of a David Bowie fan, or familiar with many of his songs I was plesantly surprised, considering he's 57 and hes still prancing around funkily with gusto! He had some cool special effects using a back drop screen and 2 large camera monitors on the top of the stage, which was great since otherwise I would have to stand on my tippy toes to see anything - the woes of being short.

I had this 50 year old lady in front of me who was rocking out fully, with her arms in the air and bopping - it was halarious...She was so into it!

The supporting band Something for Kate weren't bad either, though I think alot of their stuff sound the same. Kinda depressing, and angsty. But the lead singer, Paul Dempsey, is not bad...hmm..not bad at all.

Anyways it was a great night, thanks to Paul, Lukes new stepdad who was nice enough to buy me a ticket! David Bowie - rock on!





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